Part 4

Fifth: Healthy male friendships need to be ACTIVITY-ORIENTED. Guys are doers. Friendships don’t happen in a vacuum, and you can’t talk them into being. Sorry, but it’s a guy thing. OK, so we can go out to eat right? Yes, you are doing something, but you’re not really doing something. What about going to the museum? Stop!

I got to know one of my best friends – Tyler – at a winter retreat. We found that we had several things in common. We liked cars, sports, and visiting cemeteries, of all things. Our friendship evolved ‘organically’ over a period of years. But it wasn’t until we started working together to organize an event that we got know each other. Phone calls and text messages were necessary to animate the program. There were get-togethers with the leadership team and then the actual event. We were responsible for putting everything together and there were so many things to do. And in the course of ‘doing’ all these things, something happened- we got to know each other really well. Being responsible as partners for an intense weekend cemented our friendship. Now, when the weekend was over it could have killed the friendship, right? Something else happened. We started spontaneously texting and checking in with each other about things that were going on in our lives, and things we had in common. We discovered that we could apply the same encouragement to each other with the daily grind that we did in putting together the weekend. In time, there were social get-togethers and all that. We didn’t plan this friendship to happen. It just did, organically, and the catalysts were what we had in common, and what we were doing together.

Sixth: Although we would like to believe that we are caring empathetic men, many of us tend to be needy. Sorry, but it’s true! I know you know how hard it is to be friends with someone who’s needy, especially if we have issues of our own. Neediness can cause us to look unattractive even if we’re physically good-looking. But we can become very attractive to other men if we approach relationships from the paradigm of being OTHER ORIENTED. It’s not what you get out of a friendship that makes it work, but what you put into it. Now, you don’t have to be a blood martyr for your friend. You can practice self-giving in something as simple as a conversation. Try listening to your friend without intending to respond. But I want to tell him about my. . . Stop! But I once owned a. . . Shush! Try learning more about his whatchamacallit, or how his day went, and what HIS struggles are. You can dramatically increase your attractiveness to other men if you learn how to listen.

There was a new guy at my Church who just moved to town. He was a little stand-offish but we found we had one particular hobby in common. He also liked sports but was much more into his hobby than sports, and that common interest was the beginning of our friendship. He relocated from another town and wanted to buy a house. Since I had quite a bit of experience in residential real estate I offered to help. He was grateful. Eventually, I helped him physically move. Now, admittedly, helping someone move is almost martyr level; nonetheless, that was huge to him in our nascent relationship. Eventually, at one point, our professional paths intertwined and I found myself in a position to help him with something he couldn’t do without my help. That joint project ultimately cemented our friendship, and although I don’t share a more personal intimacy with him than I do with my other SSA friends, we are still friends and very loyal to each other to this day.

Lastly, and most important, is the seventh characteristic. Our friendships must be ROOTED IN CHRIST. If we live as professed Christians, how can we not let our faith percolate into our dealings with each other? If we consider Christ our brother and friend, should we not reflect on Scripture – specifically, who is my brother, sister, and mother? The whole experience of the Courage Apostolate is one of faith and I can’t tell you how close I am to so many of my Courage brothers – even closer than my OSA friends or with my blood siblings. We know each other inside and out. There is nothing to hide, no shame, and we’re all in the same boat, on the same journey.

If we live our friendships within the boundaries of Gospel charity, how could we possibly want to use each other, for any reason, or lustfully think about them? We should desire to die for each other. That simply means approaching our friendship from the paradigm of putting our friends ahead of ourselves in a million simple ways.

So, I challenge you to take these words to heart. They contain a money-back guarantee. If you can in your own way find and live a friendship using these seven characteristics, you won’t be disappointed. In fact, you will find that those friendships are some of the best you’ve ever had. I truly treasure the many friends I’ve made in the Courage Apostolate over the years. And the coolest thing is that they are all rooted in the faith I treasure. That makes us soulmates, even if we are not blood relatives, because we help each other to carry the same cross. I’m reminded of one of my favorite readings in Scripture in the book of Sirach. “A faithful friend  is a life-saving remedy, such as he who fears God finds; For he who fears God behaves accordingly, and his friend will be like himself.” For truly as the prophet says; “A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter, he who finds one – finds a treasure.”

The post 7 Characteristics of Authentic Male Friendship – Part Four appeared first on Courage International, Inc..

Part 3

Third: COMMONALITY. You have to have something in common with your friend. Seems like an obvious thing to say, but if you are lusting about someone you have little in common with, how is that friendship going to work? This came up at a recent Conference talk. The presenters spoke about how similar friends got together for cigars and sports – or something like that. They made a point of this activity that they had in common being a catalyst for bringing guys together. But if we want to integrate with that particular group of guys, one of the conference attendees quipped, “How do you reconcile cigars and sports when you are more interested in wine and musicals?” Great point.

I’m going to add a qualifier here. It is possible to learn from your friend and become interested in what they are interested in. For example, I grew up with a sports wound. Growing up in a sports town, I played little or no sports. Since I didn’t play any sports, I wasn’t interested in watching sports. But guess what so many men in the world love to do? Watch and talk about sports.

Early in my career, I worked on a construction site. One of my colleagues loved basketball and took it upon himself to teach me how to play. Now I could have said – yuck – forget it. But I went with it, and playing basketball turned into something ‘Jim’ and I now had in common. It was actually pretty cool. Later, my buddy Tom reinforced that common interest. He continued my impromptu lessons, and we started watching NBA games on TV.

This is so important. Just because you think you don’t like something now doesn’t mean you can’t learn to like it. And if that something can open a door into the world of men, why not try it? What do you have to lose? Certainly, you can’t force yourself to like something that just grates against your personality or beliefs but that all requires discernment. As a late-bloomer renaissance man myself, I’ve learned to appreciate seafood, cigars, scotch, wine, sports in general, professional football in particular, opera, ballet, Broadway, fitness, camping, travel – etc., etc., all post-college.

Fourth: Male friendships need to be NON-EXCLUSIVE. It seems to me to be very natural to have more than one close friend. This requires a level of emotional maturity for sure. One can’t be jealous of one’s best friend’s friend. Men, in general, share identical anthropologies so much so that we can consider ourselves brothers even if we’re not related. So how can we exclude one brother from the other in this big family of men? I’m not sure how you could be in a ‘monogamous’ relationship with just one man. It’s sort of denying who you are in a certain sense. You have the potential to miss out on so much. Sure, you can have a bestie in that family, that’s cool. But if you want what’s best for your bestie, you need to allow them many other friendships! Any less generosity on your part smacks of the ugly vice of jealousy.

Read Part 4.

The post 7 Characteristics of Authentic Male Friendship – Part Three appeared first on Courage International, Inc..

Part 2

Now those enduring friendships didn’t just happen overnight and I discovered some common characteristics, seven of them actually, that I think can make and sustain great relationships with other guys.

These characteristics, I think, apply to all men, not just those of us who experience same-sex attraction. The reality is that all men need good friendships with other men – just like they did when they were boys. So . . .

First: Male friendships have to be DISINTERESTED. That almost sounds like an oxymoron. How can you be friends with someone you are not interested in? But it really comes down to – why you are interested in someone. Therefore, a bad approach to friendship is to look to get something out of a person that you aren’t necessarily entitled to. The forbidden fruit. For example, if you are in a room of people and see someone you are physically attracted to and say – I want to be friends with him because of his good looks – that’s probably not a good sign. You can’t have an agenda when it comes to friendship. You cross the line when you start to look at someone on the surface and think you just found your dream man. Now – does this mean that you can’t be friends with someone you find physically attractive? No. It’s just that physical attraction shouldn’t be the primary reason for friendship. Do you then just ignore someone you find attractive? No. All friendships require discernment and have to stand the test of time. And I firmly believe that getting to know someone of the same sex more personally helps to alleviate physical attraction. Once you discover a little about what’s going on inside that person, you may not find their appearance on the outside so attractive. Your dream guy is not so dreamy after all. It’s like having a brother. You know him so well from growing up together that you are only interested in seeing him fully clothed.

Now, the kissing cousin to physical attraction is emotional attraction. This guy may not be so physically attractive, but he could have an intense emotional appeal. This will also skew the way you relate to other men. After the initial physical attraction, OSA men fall in love with women due to a significant emotional appeal. Countless love songs are describing this. But, the emotional appeal between a man and a woman is different from that between two men. In heterosexual relationships, there is an emotional complementarity that makes the other person ‘the other half’. With men, that emotional need can never be met because there is no complimentarity. I’ve heard it said that this emotional attraction is like a tick trying to suck the blood out of another tick. I guess that most of us have experienced emotional attachments. And although they are really hard to resist, the relationship becomes miserable because our friend can’t give us what we need, and tries to get the same thing we are looking for, out of us. Pure misery. Unfortunately, the only cure for the situation is equally as miserable – total physical and emotional separation. Sigh.

Second: The best friendships need to be ORGANIC in their genesis. There is no way to put a timetable on how long it takes for a friendship to develop. Circumstances, opportunities, events, and proximity can impact how a friendship will develop. Once you begin to plot, scheme, and watch for the next text message – you set yourself up for a big letdown. My experience is that the best friendships take a long time to develop. Not centuries, but months or years. Now, you might be tempted to say: But I’ve fallen in love with this guy. I would challenge you to question if you haven’t actually fallen but in lust. Even if a completely heterosexual couple falls in love with each other, they still have to become friends before an authentic, long-lasting relationship can be sustained. I remember the first time I ‘fell in lust’. His name was Dean. He drove a muscle car from the seventies. He was blond, confident, handsome, and straight as a Carpenter’s Square. But most importantly – he genuinely liked me. I fell head over heels. As freshman undergraduates, we lunched together and sat next to each other in class. I waited for him in the parking lot to come out of class just for one last chance to say hi. Yuck! I started thinking about him all the time and tried to control proximity and opportunities to get together. But it was unnatural. At that time in my life, I had no idea what was happening but it was just awful because all my thoughts and even part of my daily routine at school started revolving around this one person. Needless to say, the friendship fizzled and we eventually parted ways because the emotional attachment provided no roots for an authentic organic friendship.

Read Part 3.

The post 7 Characteristics of Authentic Male Friendship – Part Two appeared first on Courage International, Inc..

Part 1

One of the most difficult things for those of us who struggle with same-sex attraction is authentic friendship. In most cases, we crave others’ attention and company. We may have learned how to temper our sensual desires concerning others, but the fact remains that God intended us to be in communion with others and with Him. So how do we do that without stepping over the line as it were, and using others for our purposes, rather than living the natural give-and-take of relationships that God intends. What makes our friendships ‘authentic’?

We first learned about friendships when we were little. We found playmates of our age and gender that were not our brothers or sisters. Maybe they had a toy we didn’t own, or maybe they taught us a game we didn’t know. Suddenly we started calling each other best friends and shared our simple lives with our newfound companions. Life was good when we were around our friends. We did things together that no one else in the world knew about. And we had shared interests. Maybe it was baseball cards or riding bikes and exploring. Our young lives were an adventure, and we added friends we found at school and other social gatherings. Life seemed to be going along just fine. But somewhere along the way, something went wrong.

At a certain point, we began to feel like we didn’t fit in. Maybe our best friend found another best friend. And as time went on, for some strange reason our ‘friends’ started teasing us. What the heck? So, we slowly retreated into our own world and found other friends, maybe even girls – that were more accepting of us and easier to get along with. We started to identify with them, had conversations with them, and learned about their interests.

But all at the same time the boys were still there and still intrigued us. They cursed, spit, and did nasty things that mom and the girls didn’t like. So, we became indignant at their behavior – all the while being attracted to their ‘nastiness’. And the further we distanced ourselves from them, the more they fascinated us.

At a certain point, an invisible wall separated us from our ‘same-gender’ peers. And even though they weren’t our best friends anymore, we remembered the good times when we played army in the woods, rode our bikes, or watched scary movies together. Back then, we didn’t think so much about their appearance or what they wore because we were all so similar and it just didn’t seem to matter. But as time went on, we somehow lost track of those similarities. Then, when we became teenagers and didn’t spend as much time with the guys, we wondered what they did in their spare time, who their friends were, and how their bodies matured. In the locker room, we stole glances when they changed their clothes.

Why that curiosity? Maybe we wanted them to reveal themselves to us anew or vice versa. If we reciprocated, maybe we could reconnect with each other and feel no shame. Maybe the guys could become our besties again.

Fast forward to today. Over the years, those curiosities never faded. And we kept our friendships with the girls, but nothing intimate ever became of those relationships. We continued to be drawn to the guys, and eventually, those attractions became sexualized. Perhaps we tried out the ‘gay lifestyle’ and acted out. But even if we did, those friendships weren’t as fulfilling as we thought they might be. Oftentimes when we acted out – the relationship was over. Nothing in common and then on to the next conquest.

Because of all the past bullying and rejection, our relationships became emotionally superficial and self-centered. We needed something and had to protect ourselves all at the same time. As time went on, we hid in games or hobbies that didn’t require much interaction or connection with guys. But all the while we still wondered what it might be like to be on their side of the tracks.

During that awful period of Junior High and High School, I spent a lot of time avoiding guys. I had only a few friends I felt comfortable with, including some girls. My guy friends were nerdy and I generally kept to myself. It wasn’t until my freshman year in college that I discovered that guys genuinely liked me and wanted to be around me. I had to sort of re-learn how to socially connect with guys. My new, more mature friends taught me again how to interact with male peers. I came to terms with my SSA without having lived in the lifestyle, and eventually built relationships with chaste SSA men as well as with straight men. There were some falls and major struggles over the years, but I discovered a great richness in my male friendships.

Read Part 2.

The post 7 Characteristics of Authentic Male Friendship – Part One appeared first on Courage International, Inc..