Change is inevitable, and within this span of time there have been numerous transitions. We’ve changed sports- gone are the days of volleyball. We’ve adjusted to varying locations- Princeton Theological Seminary in New Jersey, St. Charles Seminary in Philadelphia, and our current home- Neumann University, in Aston, PA. But the one thing that hasn’t changed after all these years is the fellowship, camaraderie, and brotherhood that brings participants, coaches, and priest chaplains returning year after year. As one participant of this year’s Sports Camp stated – “this is the most comfortable I’ve ever felt in my own skin in a group of men.”

Our 25th anniversary yielded fierce competition. Our first game, football, was won by the Dolphins. Despite being drenched after a sudden downpour, the Lions, however, proved victorious later that day in our softball game.

The next day began with soccer. The Dolphins believed they were the underdogs with several strong soccer players on the Lions team, but after serious hustle the Dolphins took the lead.

Pushing through our soreness, we finished our set of sports with basketball. The Lions, knowing a victory could lead to a tiebreaker, came together and proved triumphant. As is the case for many Sports Camps prior- a free throw shoot out was required to determine which team would receive the coveted Harvey Cup. Each team, in a single-file line, takes turns sending a team member to attempt a free throw basket, followed by a member of the opposing team- no pressure there! By just one basket, the Lions earned the title as champions of Sports Camp XXV.

After working up a serious appetite, the festivities of the evening did not disappoint- including a reception/happy hour with catered hors d’oeuvres followed by a buffet-style dinner.

Participants were offered a heartfelt and humorous talk about the origins of Sports Camp from one of its founders. Current and former directors of Sports Camp shared their own stories and memories with the group. In addition, former Executive Director of Courage, Fr. Paul Check, contributed an inspiring video message congratulating Sports Camp on its 25th Anniversary. The night ended with a celebration of our time together with a formal party. Complete with karaoke, it was this time our vocal chords, not our muscles, that were put to work!

While team mates certainly played hard, they also prayed hard. Daily Mass, morning and evening prayer, and Confessions were offered throughout the weekend to foster bonding with the true VIP- Jesus Christ.

For each game in Sports Camp, coaches present medals to each member of the winning team saying, “through your perseverance, you are victorious.” Let’s pray for each other- members, chaplains, and friends of the Courage/Encourage Apostolate, that we may keep fighting the good fight and hear these same words by our Heavenly Father. Here’s to 25 years of Sports Camp, and God-willing, 25 more!

*    *    *

Brian R. is a 36 year old in the Washington, DC area who works as a hospice nurse. He has been involved with Courage since 2018 and is active in the Baltimore, Washington, and Arlington chapters. He loves outdoor activities with friends, coffee and a good book, and quiet time in front of the Blessed Sacrament.

The opinions and experiences expressed in each blog entry in “The Upper Room” belong solely to the original authors and do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of Courage International, Inc. Some entries have been edited for length and clarity.

The post A Silver Jubilee – 25 Years of Sports Camp appeared first on Courage International, Inc..

He opened the door; we shook hands, and he led me into a small living room. Near the kitchen entrance was a small table with four chairs. On the kitchen counter was a picture of his wife and two children. I thought that perhaps that was one thing that he should not have brought: a relic from his previous life.

We sat down and caught up with each other’s lives while having corned beef sandwiches and coffee. A favourite of both of us. I was pleased to hear that things were going well for him. His smile and hopeful demeanour were a pleasant contrast to the person I found last time broken and nearly dead on a garbage strewn floor.

I told him how happy I was to see that he was on the mend. He thanked me and said, “I want to show you something. It’s a gift I bought for myself when I moved here.” He led me to his bedroom. I expected to see something pleasant and encouraging like exercise equipment or a big TV. What I saw made me stand still with some unease.

Depictions of the crucifixion that I favour are usually for the lack of a better word ‘artistic’. Jesus’ body is athletic, beautiful with some trace of the wounds He experienced. His face an expression of divine acceptance with thin streams of blood running down from the crown of thorns. These representations are just unpleasant enough to remind us of why we revere Him, to meditate as we adore Him. But that was not what I saw.

The cross was a strange shade of metallic grey and His body of carved wood.

Jesus looked all twisted and abused. His flesh marked from every lash and bruise. His torso strangely stuck out. His face looking upwards, with rivulets of tears, sweat and blood. His mouth open in agony. Even the cross that held him looked mangled and tortuous. This was not some romanticised, aesthetic rendition of the divine suffering of Our Lord. This was definitely something else. Something that seemed to me, obscene.

I wanted to look away like I did that night when I rushed to his former place with my friends. We saw him huddled on the floor slowly rocking back and forth. We tripped over empty bottles and garbage to get to him. The odour of his despair hit us as we gently picked him up and took him outside. I wanted to look away as we waited for the ambulance, but I couldn’t. To see someone fall so far was a stark reminder of what can happen to any of us. The only words that came to mind as I stared at that crucifix were misery, desolation, and pain.

“You don’t like it,” he said, his voice shaking me out of that memory.

“It looks…interesting,” I said trying not to sound disapproving.

“I bought it,” he said, “because it reminds me of His torment. How horrible it must have been taking on the misery of the whole world. When I look and think about it, mine pales in comparison. If he endured this for all our sakes and His Father rewarded Him, then that means there is hope for me.” Then he smiled.

“I think I understand,” I said to him, but the words were mainly to convince myself.

We went back to the living room, and he picked up a gift bag and handed it to me. “This is my way of thanking you for saving me and happy birthday.”

“Thank you,” I said. He had been through so much and now he looked so content. He went through misery and found peace. Maybe that gift for himself was what he needed. I asked him if he wanted to come with me to my party, but he declined saying that he was not yet ready for those kinds of celebrations.

We shook hands and I left. When I got into the car, I opened the gift bag. There was a small box and inside it there was a little version of the cross he had in his bedroom.

I held it in my hand for a few moments as though it was the most precious thing in the world. This time instead of unease I felt a strange sense of calm. I have crucifixes in my home, a sign of my faith, but I will keep this one on my desk. A reminder that we must learn to shoulder our burdens and offer them as He did for all mankind. And if possible, teach others to lift their burdens as well so that we will all inch towards heaven and not careen towards disaster. I closed my hands around it and wished for my friend to always have peace. I started the car and went home to celebrate.

Author: Greg

The post A Gift for Himself appeared first on Courage International, Inc..

What? Why would God lead us into a snare? That sounds cruel! Not like the behavior of a supposedly loving, concerned Father.  I’m not sure I can love a God who would do such a thing. I need an explanation.  Please help me understand, Lord. 

A pack of wolves is out on their nightly hunt. A loud snap is heard, and a yelp. A member of the pack has stepped into a snare laid by their enemy. The wolf struggles to free himself as the pack flees and a light approaches. The wolf sees the light bearer is not the hunter but a hiker.    

The hiker has been trailing the pack as he is not only a hiker but also a biologist and lover of wildlife. He is filled with sympathy for the injured, scared animal as he approaches. The wolf does not know who this man is, but he knows from past experiences not to trust men. So as the man approaches to help free the wolf, he becomes increasingly aggressive. Some pack members who initially ran off come back to see what has come of their pack member.  

The hiker’s desire to help overwhelms his desire for personal safety and comfort, so he does not turn away despite snarling and snapping. The wolf is completely unsure of why he isn’t dead by now. Usually, once the snare is sprung, death by gunshot follows quickly. But not this time. Despite the difference in behavior between this man and others, the wolf still does not trust and has increasing levels of pain.   

The hiker finally gets in close enough to try to free the trapped foot of the wolf. As he leans in to try to release the snare, the pain in the wolf’s leg increases. The wolf reacts by snapping at and finally biting the man trying to rescue him. While this would deter most men, it doesn’t deter this one. Despite his injury from being bitten, he continues working to free the maimed leg.   

The rest of the pack has now returned to see this strange interaction between human and animal. They watch in amazement, the wolf form of amazement, as the human not only endures the growling and bites of their brother wolf but, after a few minutes, frees him from the snare. The freed wolf quickly darts off, as does the rest of the pack. The hiker takes off in pursuit. 

Were it not for the snare, the hiker and the wolf would have never met. The hiker would not have had the opportunity to save the wolf, and the wolf and his pack would have never encountered a human that wanted to help, not harm. The snare changed the lives of both for the better, though injury was caused for each. There was no other way for the changes the wolf and the hiker experienced to come about but through the pain of the snare and bites.  

This is why God leads us into snares. Because He knows what is necessary to bring about the most significant long-term benefit to us and the pack He loves. He is willing to endure our bites and snarls to bring us true freedom to run with His pack to the gates of Heaven.  

The post Into the Snare appeared first on Courage International, Inc..

He loves like a brother. 

His love requires self-denial; self-control. He strives to protect his own soul and the souls of all he encounters. He offers a generative love that helps others flourish and thrive. 

He loves like a father.  

In his longings and temptations, he loves with a submissive spirit. He offers his sufferings for the conversion of family and friends, the strengthening of marriages, the flourishing of vocations to the priesthood and religious life, the protection of the unborn, and that all souls may know the love and mercy of our gracious Father.  

He loves like Jesus.  

When he falls short, he runs right to the arms of his merciful Father in the sacrament of Reconciliation. He is given the grace, the encouragement, and the love to keep trying. He does not hate himself for his shortcomings, but gratefully receives the tender and forgiving gaze of our Lord.  

He is loved as the prodigal son.  

How different would our world look if men took more seriously the beautiful and noble call to chastity? How would the hearts of men change if they could see this virtue as a gift – both to themselves, and others?  

Thanks be to God for the Courage Apostolate, which helps those of us with same-sex attractions to strive for this brotherly, fatherly, Christ-like love. And so too for the gift of helping us more fully realize our identity as beloved sons. Let’s hope that through our imperfect witness, we may play a small part in helping the world to better understand this often ignored but desperately needed virtue.  

*    *    *

Brian R. is a 33 year old in the Washington, DC area who works as a hospice nurse. He has been involved with Courage since 2018 and is active in the Baltimore, Washington, and Arlington chapters. He loves outdoor activities with friends, coffee and a good book, and quiet time in front of the Blessed Sacrament.

The opinions and experiences expressed in each blog entry in “The Upper Room” belong solely to the original authors and do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of Courage International, Inc. Some entries have been edited for length and clarity.

The post The Chaste Man Loves Differently appeared first on Courage International, Inc..

As a child, I was close with my dad, and I kept my hair short to be like my mother, and to differentiate myself from my identical twin sister; I was a ‘tom boy.’ In early grades I enjoyed telling my friends things I heard in Sunday school, yet I was teased in 7th grade for saying “If I was a boy I’d marry [insert name of my best friend].” Due to much rejection of myself, I came to believe the only way somebody may stay within your life is by marriage. My parents have a good long marriage and I wanted someone to pray with me and to hug me. In leaving high-school I went into a discipleship college as I had no clue what I would do – only that I would like to serve God, for He is the reason I am here. Perhaps I could be a pastor like my grandparents.

In seeing the many hurtful messages a friend faced by those claiming to follow Jesus, I wanted to help. I used my gift of writing to abuse the Scriptures, submitting an affirming sermon of homo-erotic relationships. Based on television choices in my life, my own desire for affection with friends, masturbation, and zero awareness of sexual attention to men, I began feeding the notion that I would become a man. I always wanted a brother, yet my dad never had a son, etc.; then I could have a wife, and maybe the church wouldn’t oppose it very much. I was tired of others falsely thinking I was male, accusing me of homosexual intentions when I had a close friend, and I was truly sick from lifelong wounds and convictions of sin that I kept unto myself, for I was told “It is only between you and God.” My life held more darkness upon leaving discipleship college because, out of many teachings, I chose one which felt easier. But I could no longer claim ignorance of the Truth; rather, I was unwilling to search for answers; to examine my own heart, and I continued to lead church events superficially. Hiding myself with lies and pretending to have the fruit of His Spirit which only He can gift took me further from my relationship with God.

I remembered one teaching about holiness from discipleship college and I reached out to that leader. I heard testimonies of God from those who said now they were truly disciples of Christ; however; they were all raised in ‘Christian’ contexts. I was so curious! They listened to me, they spoke truth to many lies I accepted: “that sin is disgusting” became “that is heartbreaking”, and I read Pope Saint John Paul II’s summary of Theology of the Body by Christopher West titled Our Bodies Tell God’s Story. Each time I was encouraged to ask Him. Once, I felt so down for entertaining a sinful thought after so much progress, I cut out distractions to spend more time in prayer. God said He wants to be my Father, my Brother and my Friend forever, showing me moments of my life where I first trusted the view of my dad, my sister, or my so-called friends more than Him. He stood there loving me, arms outstretched, but I did not care. It broke my heart and because each Person of God distinctively shared with me – I grew up with an emphasis on Christ alone – it encouraged me to look into Catholicism after my eldest sister joined the Church. Nervously, before I fully read those deuterocanonical books, I asked Him if I could trust them given how much heresy I had been told. Additionally, I grew my hair out and became vegetarian to help me remember I was seeking a new way of life.

Now, I am a candidate – I hastily got baptized independently upon seeing the changes God brought into my life as I chose to obey Him – with hopes to receive my Confirmation next year. Now, I am open to the gift of a husband, being a wife, and a mother – or not – for whichever plans God has for me have proven far better than the direction which I steered myself towards. Some Protestant leaders told me I must become a nun, yet God, who led me out of all my sins and restores my desires, also shows me I may have a husband, yet I can live a life without one and not be lonely. I had cut myself off from female friends – afraid I may be tempted – yet He encourages me to share Him unbiasedly with all His beloved sons and daughters whether they know and accept this identity yet or not.

Bethany

The post Little Miracle appeared first on Courage International, Inc..

Many men want to be my friend but I will not interact with them. My mind, along with the enemy of purity, gives me a million reasons not to allow these men into the field of my life.

Some men get past stage one and get planted in the field of life. I cultivate their friendships with time spent together, sharing struggles, supporting one another in good and bad times, hanging out, and listening. I see them start to grow from a seed to an actual plant in my life, and I freak out. I begin to behave in destructive ways. Distrust, envy, fear, and sometimes conflict enter and tear away any budding friendship, leaving our connection in tatters.

A small number get past this stage, and these I stop cultivating altogether. No phone calls, no hanging out, no sharing. I starve them and watch them wither, fully aware of what I am doing but seemingly unable to stop it. They inevitably die, and I am again left with a dry, lifeless field.

During all this, I continue to plant plastic plants in my field to make it look and feel like there is life there. This is what unchaste behavior does. It gives me a false feeling of the connection I want without any real loving friendship. I frequently return to this false connection and avoid, actively destroy, or starve the opportunities for a real relationship that Jesus has lovingly brought into my life. So how do I fix this? I don’t; He does, with my cooperation.

All of my life, I’ve lived as many in the Courage apostolate do – with an open field of a life, if you will. I could freely rip out or put into my field whatever I wanted without anyone’s input or without impacting anyone in an obvious way. Two and a half years ago, I moved in with Brian, and that changed. With him, I have a field that has a fence around it. We, in some ways, have a common field now. Not the kind of common field you get from a marriage or romantic relationship but more of a common field similar to what you find in religious communities. Maybe it’s better to say fields that overlap each other more than people who live entirely separate lives. Though this overlapping of fields is good for us, it has also increased the difficulty of day-to-day life.

Every morning and evening, Brian is here. A seed already planted in my field, so the first stage of resistance for me is already bypassed. Stage two would be to rip him up from my field, but we have a lease on an apartment together, we have gotten to know each other and our families in a way that is not easily removed, and neither of us is in a position financially to live alone at this point. So there will be no ripping out. Stage three is for me to ignore him, which I try to do in subtle and sometimes not-so-subtle ways, but he will not allow that, thankfully. His sense of humor and considerate behavior makes it almost impossible for me to deploy the cold shoulder. So here we are. We are plants growing in the fields of each other’s lives. What can I do to stop this? The only option is to fill the field with plastic plants, and this is where I still struggle.

The realness of our friendship and the intensity and discomfort of living with each other daily pushes me to turn to what is comfortable—plastic plants of unchaste behavior. I see myself frantically planting these through phone sex, porn, and self-abuse. I ignore and rip out those I can from my field, but Brian is not going anywhere. This is how Jesus “fixes” my field. By keeping me fenced in with this real plant of chaste male friendship, I grow with Brian despite my fearful and anxious planting of fake greenery through unchastity. Jesus slowly pulls up what I lay down through my sinful choices and nurtures what is good in my life, leading me to what I really want – and that scares the crap out of me.

Thanks be to God.

The post Cultivation appeared first on Courage International, Inc..

Part 4

Fifth: Healthy male friendships need to be ACTIVITY-ORIENTED. Guys are doers. Friendships don’t happen in a vacuum, and you can’t talk them into being. Sorry, but it’s a guy thing. OK, so we can go out to eat right? Yes, you are doing something, but you’re not really doing something. What about going to the museum? Stop!

I got to know one of my best friends – Tyler – at a winter retreat. We found that we had several things in common. We liked cars, sports, and visiting cemeteries, of all things. Our friendship evolved ‘organically’ over a period of years. But it wasn’t until we started working together to organize an event that we got know each other. Phone calls and text messages were necessary to animate the program. There were get-togethers with the leadership team and then the actual event. We were responsible for putting everything together and there were so many things to do. And in the course of ‘doing’ all these things, something happened- we got to know each other really well. Being responsible as partners for an intense weekend cemented our friendship. Now, when the weekend was over it could have killed the friendship, right? Something else happened. We started spontaneously texting and checking in with each other about things that were going on in our lives, and things we had in common. We discovered that we could apply the same encouragement to each other with the daily grind that we did in putting together the weekend. In time, there were social get-togethers and all that. We didn’t plan this friendship to happen. It just did, organically, and the catalysts were what we had in common, and what we were doing together.

Sixth: Although we would like to believe that we are caring empathetic men, many of us tend to be needy. Sorry, but it’s true! I know you know how hard it is to be friends with someone who’s needy, especially if we have issues of our own. Neediness can cause us to look unattractive even if we’re physically good-looking. But we can become very attractive to other men if we approach relationships from the paradigm of being OTHER ORIENTED. It’s not what you get out of a friendship that makes it work, but what you put into it. Now, you don’t have to be a blood martyr for your friend. You can practice self-giving in something as simple as a conversation. Try listening to your friend without intending to respond. But I want to tell him about my. . . Stop! But I once owned a. . . Shush! Try learning more about his whatchamacallit, or how his day went, and what HIS struggles are. You can dramatically increase your attractiveness to other men if you learn how to listen.

There was a new guy at my Church who just moved to town. He was a little stand-offish but we found we had one particular hobby in common. He also liked sports but was much more into his hobby than sports, and that common interest was the beginning of our friendship. He relocated from another town and wanted to buy a house. Since I had quite a bit of experience in residential real estate I offered to help. He was grateful. Eventually, I helped him physically move. Now, admittedly, helping someone move is almost martyr level; nonetheless, that was huge to him in our nascent relationship. Eventually, at one point, our professional paths intertwined and I found myself in a position to help him with something he couldn’t do without my help. That joint project ultimately cemented our friendship, and although I don’t share a more personal intimacy with him than I do with my other SSA friends, we are still friends and very loyal to each other to this day.

Lastly, and most important, is the seventh characteristic. Our friendships must be ROOTED IN CHRIST. If we live as professed Christians, how can we not let our faith percolate into our dealings with each other? If we consider Christ our brother and friend, should we not reflect on Scripture – specifically, who is my brother, sister, and mother? The whole experience of the Courage Apostolate is one of faith and I can’t tell you how close I am to so many of my Courage brothers – even closer than my OSA friends or with my blood siblings. We know each other inside and out. There is nothing to hide, no shame, and we’re all in the same boat, on the same journey.

If we live our friendships within the boundaries of Gospel charity, how could we possibly want to use each other, for any reason, or lustfully think about them? We should desire to die for each other. That simply means approaching our friendship from the paradigm of putting our friends ahead of ourselves in a million simple ways.

So, I challenge you to take these words to heart. They contain a money-back guarantee. If you can in your own way find and live a friendship using these seven characteristics, you won’t be disappointed. In fact, you will find that those friendships are some of the best you’ve ever had. I truly treasure the many friends I’ve made in the Courage Apostolate over the years. And the coolest thing is that they are all rooted in the faith I treasure. That makes us soulmates, even if we are not blood relatives, because we help each other to carry the same cross. I’m reminded of one of my favorite readings in Scripture in the book of Sirach. “A faithful friend  is a life-saving remedy, such as he who fears God finds; For he who fears God behaves accordingly, and his friend will be like himself.” For truly as the prophet says; “A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter, he who finds one – finds a treasure.”

The post 7 Characteristics of Authentic Male Friendship – Part Four appeared first on Courage International, Inc..

Part 3

Third: COMMONALITY. You have to have something in common with your friend. Seems like an obvious thing to say, but if you are lusting about someone you have little in common with, how is that friendship going to work? This came up at a recent Conference talk. The presenters spoke about how similar friends got together for cigars and sports – or something like that. They made a point of this activity that they had in common being a catalyst for bringing guys together. But if we want to integrate with that particular group of guys, one of the conference attendees quipped, “How do you reconcile cigars and sports when you are more interested in wine and musicals?” Great point.

I’m going to add a qualifier here. It is possible to learn from your friend and become interested in what they are interested in. For example, I grew up with a sports wound. Growing up in a sports town, I played little or no sports. Since I didn’t play any sports, I wasn’t interested in watching sports. But guess what so many men in the world love to do? Watch and talk about sports.

Early in my career, I worked on a construction site. One of my colleagues loved basketball and took it upon himself to teach me how to play. Now I could have said – yuck – forget it. But I went with it, and playing basketball turned into something ‘Jim’ and I now had in common. It was actually pretty cool. Later, my buddy Tom reinforced that common interest. He continued my impromptu lessons, and we started watching NBA games on TV.

This is so important. Just because you think you don’t like something now doesn’t mean you can’t learn to like it. And if that something can open a door into the world of men, why not try it? What do you have to lose? Certainly, you can’t force yourself to like something that just grates against your personality or beliefs but that all requires discernment. As a late-bloomer renaissance man myself, I’ve learned to appreciate seafood, cigars, scotch, wine, sports in general, professional football in particular, opera, ballet, Broadway, fitness, camping, travel – etc., etc., all post-college.

Fourth: Male friendships need to be NON-EXCLUSIVE. It seems to me to be very natural to have more than one close friend. This requires a level of emotional maturity for sure. One can’t be jealous of one’s best friend’s friend. Men, in general, share identical anthropologies so much so that we can consider ourselves brothers even if we’re not related. So how can we exclude one brother from the other in this big family of men? I’m not sure how you could be in a ‘monogamous’ relationship with just one man. It’s sort of denying who you are in a certain sense. You have the potential to miss out on so much. Sure, you can have a bestie in that family, that’s cool. But if you want what’s best for your bestie, you need to allow them many other friendships! Any less generosity on your part smacks of the ugly vice of jealousy.

Read Part 4.

The post 7 Characteristics of Authentic Male Friendship – Part Three appeared first on Courage International, Inc..

Part 2

Now those enduring friendships didn’t just happen overnight and I discovered some common characteristics, seven of them actually, that I think can make and sustain great relationships with other guys.

These characteristics, I think, apply to all men, not just those of us who experience same-sex attraction. The reality is that all men need good friendships with other men – just like they did when they were boys. So . . .

First: Male friendships have to be DISINTERESTED. That almost sounds like an oxymoron. How can you be friends with someone you are not interested in? But it really comes down to – why you are interested in someone. Therefore, a bad approach to friendship is to look to get something out of a person that you aren’t necessarily entitled to. The forbidden fruit. For example, if you are in a room of people and see someone you are physically attracted to and say – I want to be friends with him because of his good looks – that’s probably not a good sign. You can’t have an agenda when it comes to friendship. You cross the line when you start to look at someone on the surface and think you just found your dream man. Now – does this mean that you can’t be friends with someone you find physically attractive? No. It’s just that physical attraction shouldn’t be the primary reason for friendship. Do you then just ignore someone you find attractive? No. All friendships require discernment and have to stand the test of time. And I firmly believe that getting to know someone of the same sex more personally helps to alleviate physical attraction. Once you discover a little about what’s going on inside that person, you may not find their appearance on the outside so attractive. Your dream guy is not so dreamy after all. It’s like having a brother. You know him so well from growing up together that you are only interested in seeing him fully clothed.

Now, the kissing cousin to physical attraction is emotional attraction. This guy may not be so physically attractive, but he could have an intense emotional appeal. This will also skew the way you relate to other men. After the initial physical attraction, OSA men fall in love with women due to a significant emotional appeal. Countless love songs are describing this. But, the emotional appeal between a man and a woman is different from that between two men. In heterosexual relationships, there is an emotional complementarity that makes the other person ‘the other half’. With men, that emotional need can never be met because there is no complimentarity. I’ve heard it said that this emotional attraction is like a tick trying to suck the blood out of another tick. I guess that most of us have experienced emotional attachments. And although they are really hard to resist, the relationship becomes miserable because our friend can’t give us what we need, and tries to get the same thing we are looking for, out of us. Pure misery. Unfortunately, the only cure for the situation is equally as miserable – total physical and emotional separation. Sigh.

Second: The best friendships need to be ORGANIC in their genesis. There is no way to put a timetable on how long it takes for a friendship to develop. Circumstances, opportunities, events, and proximity can impact how a friendship will develop. Once you begin to plot, scheme, and watch for the next text message – you set yourself up for a big letdown. My experience is that the best friendships take a long time to develop. Not centuries, but months or years. Now, you might be tempted to say: But I’ve fallen in love with this guy. I would challenge you to question if you haven’t actually fallen but in lust. Even if a completely heterosexual couple falls in love with each other, they still have to become friends before an authentic, long-lasting relationship can be sustained. I remember the first time I ‘fell in lust’. His name was Dean. He drove a muscle car from the seventies. He was blond, confident, handsome, and straight as a Carpenter’s Square. But most importantly – he genuinely liked me. I fell head over heels. As freshman undergraduates, we lunched together and sat next to each other in class. I waited for him in the parking lot to come out of class just for one last chance to say hi. Yuck! I started thinking about him all the time and tried to control proximity and opportunities to get together. But it was unnatural. At that time in my life, I had no idea what was happening but it was just awful because all my thoughts and even part of my daily routine at school started revolving around this one person. Needless to say, the friendship fizzled and we eventually parted ways because the emotional attachment provided no roots for an authentic organic friendship.

Read Part 3.

The post 7 Characteristics of Authentic Male Friendship – Part Two appeared first on Courage International, Inc..

Part 1

One of the most difficult things for those of us who struggle with same-sex attraction is authentic friendship. In most cases, we crave others’ attention and company. We may have learned how to temper our sensual desires concerning others, but the fact remains that God intended us to be in communion with others and with Him. So how do we do that without stepping over the line as it were, and using others for our purposes, rather than living the natural give-and-take of relationships that God intends. What makes our friendships ‘authentic’?

We first learned about friendships when we were little. We found playmates of our age and gender that were not our brothers or sisters. Maybe they had a toy we didn’t own, or maybe they taught us a game we didn’t know. Suddenly we started calling each other best friends and shared our simple lives with our newfound companions. Life was good when we were around our friends. We did things together that no one else in the world knew about. And we had shared interests. Maybe it was baseball cards or riding bikes and exploring. Our young lives were an adventure, and we added friends we found at school and other social gatherings. Life seemed to be going along just fine. But somewhere along the way, something went wrong.

At a certain point, we began to feel like we didn’t fit in. Maybe our best friend found another best friend. And as time went on, for some strange reason our ‘friends’ started teasing us. What the heck? So, we slowly retreated into our own world and found other friends, maybe even girls – that were more accepting of us and easier to get along with. We started to identify with them, had conversations with them, and learned about their interests.

But all at the same time the boys were still there and still intrigued us. They cursed, spit, and did nasty things that mom and the girls didn’t like. So, we became indignant at their behavior – all the while being attracted to their ‘nastiness’. And the further we distanced ourselves from them, the more they fascinated us.

At a certain point, an invisible wall separated us from our ‘same-gender’ peers. And even though they weren’t our best friends anymore, we remembered the good times when we played army in the woods, rode our bikes, or watched scary movies together. Back then, we didn’t think so much about their appearance or what they wore because we were all so similar and it just didn’t seem to matter. But as time went on, we somehow lost track of those similarities. Then, when we became teenagers and didn’t spend as much time with the guys, we wondered what they did in their spare time, who their friends were, and how their bodies matured. In the locker room, we stole glances when they changed their clothes.

Why that curiosity? Maybe we wanted them to reveal themselves to us anew or vice versa. If we reciprocated, maybe we could reconnect with each other and feel no shame. Maybe the guys could become our besties again.

Fast forward to today. Over the years, those curiosities never faded. And we kept our friendships with the girls, but nothing intimate ever became of those relationships. We continued to be drawn to the guys, and eventually, those attractions became sexualized. Perhaps we tried out the ‘gay lifestyle’ and acted out. But even if we did, those friendships weren’t as fulfilling as we thought they might be. Oftentimes when we acted out – the relationship was over. Nothing in common and then on to the next conquest.

Because of all the past bullying and rejection, our relationships became emotionally superficial and self-centered. We needed something and had to protect ourselves all at the same time. As time went on, we hid in games or hobbies that didn’t require much interaction or connection with guys. But all the while we still wondered what it might be like to be on their side of the tracks.

During that awful period of Junior High and High School, I spent a lot of time avoiding guys. I had only a few friends I felt comfortable with, including some girls. My guy friends were nerdy and I generally kept to myself. It wasn’t until my freshman year in college that I discovered that guys genuinely liked me and wanted to be around me. I had to sort of re-learn how to socially connect with guys. My new, more mature friends taught me again how to interact with male peers. I came to terms with my SSA without having lived in the lifestyle, and eventually built relationships with chaste SSA men as well as with straight men. There were some falls and major struggles over the years, but I discovered a great richness in my male friendships.

Read Part 2.

The post 7 Characteristics of Authentic Male Friendship – Part One appeared first on Courage International, Inc..